Don't Squeeze the Charmin

I once dated someone who would only buy the most expensive toilet paper in the store. He felt that because it was the most expensive toilet paper it would treat his bum the best. Its amazing actually most guys I've dated will buy the cheap fake honey nut cheerios (big difference in taste) and go for the 5 dollar TP. Some people prefer to treat the stuff coming out of them with more respect that the stuff coming in.

Yo Momma!

Yo momma is so fat she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck! Yo momma is like a Ford ... Have you driven a ford lately? Final game of the World Cup, France's favourite man Zidane head butted Matterazi right in the chest. To be honest it was totally barbaric looking and totally hot. Even if I was cheering for Italy. Zidane became totally irational and totaly sexy. Actually there really aren't many professional football/soccer players that aren't insanely sexy. OK I digress ... seriously now, whats with boys and their moms?!

Fucking link won't publish. Thats ok I'll figure it out.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/world_cup_2006/5169342.stm

The cat came back ...

One of my favorite songs as a kid was The Cat Came Back. Its a song about an old man and a cat that won't go away. Each time the old man tries to kill the cat or send it away the cat finds its way back to the old man. Last night I got another email from an ex. ... all that comes to mind is my favorite song as a kid ... here's what he had to say.

"I keep thinking about you every day and I miss you terribly. You are my Hallie’s Comet and you broke my heart! I wish you would reconsider."

I think he spelled it wrong ... I think its supposed to be spelled Halley's Comet. Besides what does one thing have to do with the other? You are my Halley's Comet and you broke my heart.

Gentlemen reader (you know who you are, right now there is only one of you) from this you can learn two things. 1. Please don't mispell a pseudo love email 2. A lady will never fall for a man who smells of desperation.

Goldilocks and the Three Bears

It’s been a busy weekend. I’ve laid out in the sun and gotten no color. Damn my non-tanning, non-burning Middle Eastern complexion! Met some neighbors. Typical Jewboys from Long Island and Rockland County. I slept a lot. Saw the World Cup with over 200 Frenchies (silently cheered for Italia) and snuck into the movies to watch Superman Returns. Was fully intending on buying a ticket for the movie when I found out the movie was sold out, so I snuck in.

Was just on the phone with a friend whose title most recently changed to “married lady” she was a stunning bride and now she’s a wife. She seems totally ready for this role, there was very little nervousness, no streaks of bridezilla, definitely a lifetime of preparation to be a wife and I’m sure it will be the same when she pops out her first baby. It’s exciting when the first of your friends gets married. Even if it does happen within weeks of your break-up with your boyfriend who you were convinced you were going to marry. (Either way thankful that didn’t work out! He turned out to be a bit of a lost puppy. Puppies are cute until they pee on your floor.)

So now it’s on to a new stage in our friendship. She asks me for juice on my increasingly dry and uneventful love life. She vents about her in-laws and renovations on her recently purchased money-pit, and tries to figure out who she might try to set me up with … the last of her single friends. Amazing that at 24 I’m the last of her single friends!

I've had some really spectacular relationships. I feel a bit like Goldilocks and the Three Bears ... except its taking me way more than three tries till I'm happy with what I've got. Relationships have been, too hot, too cold, too small, too long, too quiet ... soon enough it will be just right.

Can’t decide if I’m single and fabulous or single and overwhelmed.

An article, reminiscent of the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears … only in reverse. What would you do if a bear was eating oatmeal at your kitchen table? Offer him honey of course!
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_1884979.html?menu=

Why I think boys that wrap tfillin are sexy.

Growing up I had no dad (thats right another NY-er with daddy issues) When I
would stay at my aunts' houses I would sleep on the couch, waking up in the
morning to my uncles wrapping tfillin quietly and praying. it was the one
moment in the day when I would see them, quiet at peace, before work with
the day full of hope ready to make a commitment to life. for 15-20 minutes
every morning it was them and g-d and no one else. realizing that they are
just a small part of something bigger and more important than any single one
of us alone.

Living in a city where the guys are full of bravado and the girls are full
of Fiji water and Altoids, nothing appeals to me more than the idea of a
moment of peace and a moment of hope doing something that has been done for
generations before and hopefully will be done for generations to follow.

One of my favorite poems by Harvey Shapiro

The Generations

His son stood, holding and rocking the baby,
swaying back and forth, combined
with a little sideways shuffle,
which he had never done in shul,
since he never went to shul,
though his father had and his father had,
so the prayer that bound them all
was still being said.

Its like riding a bike

So a few days ago someone used the expression "its like riding a bike" ... I don't know how to ride a bike. Every time I share that little bit of information with people I get the same reaction "You don't know how to ride a bike?" yes that’s what I just said, and then the inevitable "I'll teach you! It’s easy! You just need to learn from someone you trust!" the best is when this comes from a guy that I'm dating or just talking to followed by a smirk. Why do they smirk? Do they know I'm trying my best not to believe a word they tell me? I've tried to learn to ride a bike, from people I should trust, it has nothing to do with trusting the person teaching you and a lot to do with trusting yourself, trusting your ability to maintain balance, learn how to fall and not cry when you skin your knees. I have horrible balance, I try to avoid falling at all costs, and cried like a baby last time I skinned my knees (actually I can't remember the last time I skinned my knees) I'm still learning to trust myself, doing much better at it these days ... Don't cry as easily as I used to ... at least I can swim and definitely tread water ... is there any hope for me yet?

Finally

Wow! I finally did it. I figured out how to create a blog. Now the biggest challenge will be maintaining it. I've never been one for finishing a project so we'll see how it goes. Not so sure if anyone will read this, in fact I might prefer they don't. But figured its a great way to break up the day.