Been a long time

I shouldn't have left you, without a dope beat to step to.

I've been away so long. 3 jobs! I hate saying that I don't have time for things. Last night I was talking to a close friend of mine, she asked me about the boy situation. I told her lately I've been feeling pretty uninspired. She thinks the reason might be all the hard work I'm doing. Maybe in the back of my head I'm not allowing myself to feel involved. But that can't be true. I make time for everything I have to make time for and everything I want to make time for. Maybe I can't commit to something like FAF because its not as flexible, but I can commit myself to sharing my love in every way I know how. Its amazing how much you can fit into a day when the love is there. When I was little we learned Rabbi Tarphon's famous saying "The day is short, the labor vast, the toilers idle, the reward great, and the Master urgent" - Never has it held as much meaning as it does now in my life. I'm never too busy to share a little love. Hopefully we can get that sentiment to spread.

I've been very reflective lately. Even through all the chaos of a busy life one has the moment to reflect. Whether its on the ride home or that moment when you walk into a room and forget what you've gone in there for and then suddenly you become reflective ...

I hope everyone is well this new year.

Peace, Love and All that Jazz
~M

One of the most difficult things I've ever had to do

I wrote an email to my student telling him why I couldn't come to tutoring anymore ... soooo sad


I'm writing this letter to let you know that I can't come to tutoring any longer. If you remember I've been coming to Fresh Air Fund for a while now and have really loved every minute of it. Unfortunately, I've been put in a position where I need to make more money and I'm now working 3 jobs. The 3rd job requires that I work nights and unfortunately this conflicts with tutoring. I'm the kind of person who tries very hard to fit everything into her life so I told Dthat if she's low on tutors one night she can call me and if by chance I'm available I'll run over to help out.

I want you to know that I'm very proud of you for how hard you work and how involved you are in everything. Over the past 3 years that I've been helping out at FAF I've gotten to see you grow up. I love that you are excited to show everyone how well you're doing in class, I think City at Peace is a fun and exciting program and I hope you can figure it into your schedule as well. I remember watching you play soccer at camp, you're a great soccer player! I want you to keep up your good work, keep your ears and eyes open, listen to your parents, teachers, friends. Make good decisions. Enjoy being a big brother, I know you'll make a wonderful one!

Keep in touch with me.

A personal prayer

Dear G-D,

I'm going through a bit of a difficult time. I wouldn't say I'm sad, but I'm definitely a tad bit stressed. I could use a bit of reasurrance that everything will be OK. Just a sign, I don't need you to make everything ok immediately (although I wouldn't mind if you did.) I guess I'm ready for a new set of problems. Or maybe I feel like I am. Can you hook it up please? Here's the new set of problems I would like ... Loving husband with a bit of an annoying yet managable mother in law, healthy happy babies that want my attention all at the same time, mmmm what else, a roast that just won't cook, or a soufle that just won't rise. new set of problems please. I think you get the picture ... just as long as I don't have this feeling that I'm doing everything all by myself... I'm really tired of having to do everything all by myself, I'd like a team mate. I'm a good team worker.

Thanks!
~M

A letter to a new boy

I think my strange desire for rain these days is a response to all the people who have been keeping me so busy for the past 2 months. I think I desire a rainy Sunday because a small part of me may be ready for hibernation. This is sad because I haven't even gone camping once this summer, although I have gone hiking, kayaking and beaching. But I have a strange, completely out of character desire for some extreme weather, a thunderstorm, hurricane, snow storm ... if only for a day. I want to order in Indian food or Chinese food and watch movies, good rainy day movies, and read my book and take naps ... the kind of naps where you awake unsure of how long you've slept because its been dark all day so maybe its still 2 in the afternoon or maybe it is 6 in the evening. and then when the weather ends I'd like to go for a walk the kind of walk that fills your senses with after rain smells and sounds, wet concrete, wet soil, sound of car wheels splashing around on the wet streets. I'd like to go into a restaurant that is full of comfort food, that has no pretensions, and that is full of families eating their quiet Sunday evening family dinners. I want the Sunday blues!

But only for one day, because I also wouldn't mind putting on my vintage swimsuit, my big sunglasses, sunning out by a pool at an old school hotel in the Catskills and pretending its 1950 and my husband just came back from Germany and we got a house on the GI bill. I'd drink a gin and tonic, take a Valium for my nerves and listen to Frank Sinatra all day, while gossiping about my Mah Jong buddies.

Mars would be an interesting thing to view. I never wanted to explore space as a child, the thought scared me too much, space was so big, and I just couldn't understand it. I couldn't understand why it was all just so dark. I remember when I was in the 3rd grade I would lay awake at night and wonder if I were just a little ant on the fingernail of a huge giant, and if maybe our world that seems so big is just a speck of dust on something even bigger. and it would overwhelm me and I would ask my mom about it and she would just laugh at me. I thought broccoli was a tree, a little tree and we were eating the little trees that belonged to very little people, we were eating their food. and maybe someone is eating our very big trees. its amazing I think about those nights when I was so little and didn't know how to express my thoughts. Kids are good thinkers, but adults are not the best listeners.

Cloudy Sunday

At this moment.

1. I’d like a cloudy Sunday in bed, with complete silence and the promise of nothing happening for the rest of the day
2. I’d like to sneak into the movies, con the concession man into free popcorn, candy and soda … and laugh at a movie. The way I want to laugh, when no one is around.
3. I’d like to play dress up and have a tea party, with my future children
4. I’d like to fall asleep in a hammock with the soft sounds of someone playing music for me.
5. I’d like to be in a hot bath, in the dark, with someone whispering my dreams into my ear.
6. I’d like to be in a land where no one knows how to communicate with words and so they move fluidly in silence and listen to the body language of the other.
7. I’d like to know what the busy packed streets might feel like in slow motion

James Delavega I Love You

Yesterday I walked into the most beautiful store ever. It was the store of the artist James Delavega, some of the art was beautiful and some of it was crude, lude, nude ... every little bit of it was smart and thoughtful and provoking. The artist sits outside his store with his family, plays music that you can't help but move to and allows people to just enjoy his work, he wears sunglasses, speaks as little as possible and even seems a bit unaproachable ... I enjoyed the store so much I went 3 times in one day and feel compelled to go back again and again until one day I can afford the one piece I can't help but take my eyes off of. It's a canvas of a couple face to face in an embrace,,, their love is uplifting, they have wings, its heavenly and it can cause change ... its sexy. I would put it right by my window, and sit on my ledge and just stare at the way light reflects on it at different times of day.

I spent some time in Tompkins Square Park and sang with the street performers for a long while. It was such an uplifting experience, singing with a band from different walks of life, watching the bums and drunks and druggies dance to our music and a young boy breakdance. I'll be back there.

East Village I Love You.
James DeLavega I love you.
Music I love you.
Life I love you.

But Time Warner Cable Sucks Hairy Sweaty Balls.

Time Warner Cable Sucks Hairy Sweaty Balls

Time Warner Cable Sucks Hairy Sweaty Balls. I spent my entire Saturday waiting around for Time Warnher Cable to show up and fix my internet and cable ... only to find out they couldn't do it. The only thing that made the day ok was watching Garden State on my 'puter ... Some friends compare me to Natalie's Character. I get it, I'm a spastic, and I try to throw one fun little lie in on a daily basis ... Either way Zach, you must be a wonderful neurotic jewboy, maybe one day if I'm lucky I'll actually meet you ... Overall I'm a lucky girl, I have good friends, good family, good apartment, hot little body and a great smile. But I think I need a wife to sit and wait for the cable guy for me.